Today I do not know what exactly I want to write. I do not have a topic in mind as well. So I will just let my thoughts flow! May be it might make some sense, may be not!
Well, past few days, or rather years have been really dramatic in my life . It has been abstract and without any definite pattern. A mixture of events all merging into each other, consequences leading to one another without any specific plan giving its own uniqueness. However, last few days has been something different. A phase of no-emotion , absolute nothingness, an emptiness , a void one can say! I do not know if I have lost something or gained something. It is not definite. I might have experienced changes like we all do and may have metamorphosed in the process which is common. But what is important is the process of becoming something else.
Life was not always like this. Planning and figuring things out from beforehand was a norm. Keeping myself engaged in many activities, to do more than peers, not for showoff or anything but it just felt normal. That was a way of life, that was me, my very identity of being a go-getter! Though, now it seems as if it was in some other lifetime.
As a roller coaster ride, life meandered into paths that was filled with thorns and the only way to survive was to walk on it, bleed and still keep going. Letting go of my own shelf in the process was the hardest of all. A sudden change made me go through identity crisis as well !!To say good bye to few cherished dreams was another jolt that I somehow survived! But, I always could emote my feelings as I have always been very expressive as a person. It chokes me if I keep things within, I need to vent it out , put it across to move on and may be keep myself sane.
Anyway coming back to the present moment , this nothingness is something I had never experienced. I have been fighting for something and I got it . But it did not make me happy, neither sad . I felt a few drops of tear escape my eyes but was it because of grief, happiness, relief… I do not know!! Standing in front of the world and answering questions , justifying your stand might seem like a winning moment when you take part in group discussion or interview but not everywhere!
I have been wanting to stand on top of the tallest building and scream out loud , wanting to cry my heart out while being embraced by loved ones, laugh it out with the loudest laughter sessions, go on a trek , sit under the night sky with the camp-fire and gossip through the entire night! I want to do it all. I have gone through changes of many kinds, some very personal some only on papers and every time its difficult to identify with it. Because ,to own a change you need to live it to understand where you stand , what are your coordinates in this world of complications and chaos . It baffles me to see how people who had absolute no clue about their future give sermons now about what should have been done and what should not have been. Its very easy to keep giving preaching sessions but what people do not realize is that we are a sum total of our circumstances, the decisions we make consciously or sometimes have to bear consequences even if we did not want things our way. It is overwhelming sometimes when things do not go as per planned manner because that is what I used to be but life has taught me a few lessons that sometimes we have to accept things and how we react is what determines who we are ! I do not know if the girl in me has grown into a woman that she wanted to be ! But one thing I can say proudly is that I have been true to my decisions, have upheld my dignity even in crucial moments, have been blessed with best support system who want me to stand on my own foot with my head held high. It has been a very arduous journey and difficult to survive backstabs and betrayals, to go through absolute darkness, to question my own existence and again bounce back with hope to keep going with this abstract pattern called life. I have a few things that I want to take charge of . May be will share in a separate blog post. Till now , this is all that is there to share.
So, even if sometimes you do not understand life, keep going because abstract is also beautiful and so is life, at least I want to believe!