Hope you are doing well and fine. I am writing this blog post after giving it a lot of thought to whether I should pen down my emotions or not. But I have realized that I just can not keep a few emotions within for a long time. They are effervescent in nature and I feel caged in if I do not let them out. Unlike many who easily mask their feelings, I find it hard to hide mine. So I am writing today for my own sake. And I realize that it has been such a long time that I had actually sat down with my laptop and let myself bleed out on paper …errr… I mean on the screen!
So the year 2022 till now has been a year of challenges for me, unlike last year which was full of opportunities. This year it feels as if there are unseen hindrances and challenges that come on my way from time to time and a lot of my plans are just not materializing! And the challenges have been majorly in terms of health issues either mine or of my dear ones. And we as a family has been trying to fight it one after the other. But there have been a series of ailments and somehow when your own blood suffers, it also affects you directly and it takes a lot of time to bounce back to routine.
However, both the 7th & 8th of September were days that tested me to the core. A medical emergency arose and it was too late at night to understand that it was actually an emergency. It gives me shivers to even remember those moments and I realized how lonely you can get when you actually need help. My family member had to be admitted to the hospital and that night seemed like the longest night. I, being the eldest had the entire responsibility on my shoulders. I had no time to be emotional, I had to do stuff. Yes, stuff …one after the other. Listen to doctors, run from one floor to the other to buy medicines, make payments, sign consent forms, buy pain killers, get scolded by the doctor for being late by six hours for getting the admission done (apparently we did not recognize the symptoms because of no prior experience !) and alike… all on that dreaded night !! The whole night I chanted Mahamrutunjaya Mantra and by God’s grace, the danger was averted at the right time.
Now I know many might think it to be trivial but for someone like me, facing this do-or-die situation and rushing to a hospital at night was a nightmarish experience. Because all this is very new and very alien to me. I could inhale properly only at the daybreak when I understood that the criticality of the matter was under control but there was still risk involved for the next 48 hours! I was on my periods and trust me I had completely become resistant to the immense muscular spasms that I normally face during these days. Please do not think about those ridiculous Indian sanitary napkin ads where the woman is seen to not feel any pain after using the said brand. The situation was different here. My body was in pain but my mind was so alert and focused on the issue at hand that nothing interrupted my focus. I got back the pain which was manyfold the next morning. But being the main attendant of the patient I had to bear it all. It was tough. But when I saw the first sunrise the next morning, I bowed my head in gratitude and I had a smile on my face as I saw the first rays of the sun piercing the azure sky.
However, I was unable to sleep for the next 48 hours. But I kept a brave face in front of my other family members. It was tougher than I can express my feelings through words. I had informed my close friends about this issue by then and there had been a rush of good wishes, calls, and messages wishing me well and to be honest it made me feel a lot stronger to know that people cared for me even if they were not physically present with me.
We left the hospital after four odd days and till the first meeting with the doctor post-surgery which is due next week, there is a little worry because the recovery is kind of slow. The scene at home now is a little different than before and it consumes a lot of time and energy. Adding to the issue, there has been a reshuffling at work and that has somehow overburdened me with a lot of work! Yes, it is difficult to digest the fact that govt. employees have work. Many laugh at it. But like all assumptions, this is also not true. And I have been having it a little rough at work front for a couple of months. So, I am really praying for a transfer but I do not know if that will be possible in near future!
Having said that, I haven’t been able to complete many writing assignments, conduct interviews, submit any of my writings, shoot videos, make creatives, or read. What irks me most is that the editing of my third book has come to a halt. It should have been published by now! The draft of my fourth book is a blurry vision and I really want to give it a shape but when? Writing is just not a hobby for me. It is so much more and it demands a lot more too.
Nowadays I do not even know when the day starts and ends but I do miss connecting with some of my close pals. Everyone is busy in their own life and struggles and sometimes it is annoying to go through such disconnected phases. I mean I do not understand the dichotomy of life, we keep doing daily duties in order to live whereas we don’t do stuff that makes us feel alive, and when we indulge in things that give us a kick, somehow responsibilities tap on our shoulders and things change! Will life ever make sense? Or is it the case only with me?
So, long story short, yes I am tired, I am feeling like a non-performer, I am irritated and frustrated but deep in my heart I am grateful for everything … for people in my life, for being able to handle the finances related to the medical procedures on my own, for being able to say my fears to very close ones who kind of held my shivering hand through calls & messages. I am scared knowing that such situations will arise again in the future and I have to brave things as they come. Will I be able to do it all… I mean everything? I look up and ask HIM to give me the strength to endure and show me the path to deal with the criticalities of life. I pray to keep my close ones ( both family & friends )near me so that at least I do not break! I know that every difficult situation in life comes to teach us a lesson. This situation is also trying to teach me something. Maybe I have to learn patience. Maybe I need to have more faith and maybe my ego needs to be crushed a little more ( Ohh I was very fiery in earlier days and I am learning to control & channelize it each day) Maybe I need to be more grateful. One more thing,I have almost stopped painting and I feel colorless as well.
Maybe, with HIS blessings things will normalize and I will create things and give them a shape and present before you all. Do keep me and my family/ friends in your prayers! Thank you so much in advance.