The golden colored sunrays greeted a grand new day . It was one of those misty winter Saturday mornings. Tanya opened her eyes and saw the face lying next to her. Tarun , her man, the love of her life was sleeping peacefully with the blanket on . She looked at him for few minutes, smiled at him , brushed his hair for she loved Tarun more than her life. She touched her baby bump and then drew the curtains of the window apart. The Sun looked extra beautiful to her and her little garden in her balcony in the apartment looked more than lively to her. The magenta, yellow and white roses smiled at her and she could not help but thank Almighty for everything in her life.

Tanya & Tarun were childhood friends who had been together for almost around fifteen long years before tying the nuptial bonds two years back. Life had been perfect with Tarun for he was the rock who supported the ever impulsive decisions that Tanya never hesitated to take. She was one feisty soul and Tarun always had her back. Both their chemistry was so strong that even their friends were jealous of their consistent relationship .

Life seemed perfect for both of them. They both were corporate employees and had their offices just few meters away . Having adjacent offices in a metro city is a blessing in disguise and people going through the daily struggle to just reach office in time in a metro, can easily relate to it. With its ups and down , life seemed sweet for the newly weds. Tarun also adored Tanya with all his heart and her smile meant the world to him. It seemed to ease all his office related stress. He was sure to enjoy his married life with Tanya to the fullest and travelling the world with her was on his agenda.

However Tanya, after about two odd years wanted to welcome a new life into their world. Being a mother was one of her aspirations and when she experienced an unplanned pregnancy, she was happy rather than being concerned like many others. However, Tarun was not very confident as the workload in both their lives was immense and it took away their major chunk of time. He knew Tanya as well, she being a perfectionist always gave her best in everything and sometimes took a lot of unwanted tension of doing things without any flaw. But when he saw the enthusiasm in Tanya’s eyes, he just could not say anything.

During consultations with the doctor, the couple were advised that it was better not to go ahead with the pregnancy as the viable complications would either endanger the life of the mother or the ‘to be born’ child. Tarun understood the practicality of the situation but he could never understand the heart of a woman. The changes it experiences when a new life takes its form in a woman’s body. He had to do agree to his wife’s request to give her a chance to keep the life within her body alive , the very first auspicious unison of their love! Time went by and Tanya took extra care of herself and impressed Tarun ,when with each successive medical consultation, her reports were normal . Tanya’s mother had been staying with her for past few months while teaching the nuances of how to handle the first time pregnancy to her daughter.

The happy couple were anticipating a new beginning and organized a baby shower when Tanya was seven months pregnant. They arranged a grand party and welcomed all the near and dear ones . Tanya and Tarun were very happy that day. After the guests left and the house cleaning was done, Tanya went to the bathroom to take a hot water shower for she needed to get rid of the entire day’s stress that she had to undergo in entertaining the guests. She took off her bath robe and turned the shower on. Just then she experienced an unbearable pain in her lower abdomen. She closed her eyes due to the intense cramps that she felt in her body. She looked down and within few minutes she could see the dark colored blood flowing through her thighs towards her toes and slowly becoming diluted with the shower water and all the way to the outlet! She screamed and tears rolled from her eyes. Tarun in no time reached to her rescue and soon Tanya was admitted in a hospital.

Tanya gained consciousness in her private ward in the clinic . She opened her eyes and first thing she did was to look for her baby bump. It was not there!! She looked at her mother who was sitting beside her and cried out loud. Her mother held her hand tightly but the pain of losing a life that one has been holding within for such a long time ,only to lose it so easily, made no sense. Tanya was inconsolable and denied to take any medicines or any food. Even Tarun failed to pacify her which had never happened earlier. Be it any imperfect situation, Tarun her perfect mate , handled her just like a cup would hold the ever unstable tea in it! But today, the cup seem to have a leak and the tea spilled out. He had no answers to the questions that Tanya kept asking on a repeat mode. She had a lost a part of herself and was in a complete mess. Tanya was becoming fragile with each passing hour and her health was deteriorating when she lost her sense a few times.

Tarun seeked help from the consulting doctor who understood the trauma that Tanya was going through. A miscarriage is not just a medical condition , it is a death of aspirations, dreams and hopes all bundled together!

The doctor asked Tarun to wait till the next day morning and then see how to handle the situation. Next morning was worse, when Tanya seemed almost to have lost her mind . She just could not believe the baby with whom she had shared her life, she had spoken to the little one, had felt the movements within her body to understand that her body was capable of giving a new life, gone…just like that ! After all motherhood is an experience that can only be felt and not explained. Everything seemed normal before one day and suddenly her dreams crashed like the house of cards! She was devastated when she recalled the sight in the bathroom. She had totally given up on food and did not even take water!

The doctor entered her room next morning and asked her to sit in a wheelchair. She seemed perplexed . With the help of the nurse, she managed to hop on the wheelchair. Tarun and her mother stood in the room trying hold back their grief. It was equally tough for Tarun who also had developed a paternal bond with the unborn child but he had to maintain his composure like all men, who find it hard to emotionally express. He had to take care of the love of his life, for if anything happened to Tanya, he did not know how to survive alone.

The doctor took Tanya to the next room to introduce to a couple who had just delivered a baby girl having defects in her heart and needed a critical surgery which never guaranteed to save her life. Tanya saw the little one with all the needles injected in her tiny body and she felt as if one of those needles pierce her own skin. She looked at the despair filled eyes of the parents which had so many questions, Did they deserve it? Why was it that their baby had to suffer such fate? What did they do wrong? Did they get any answers , No ! Because there is no answer !!

Tears started flowing from Tanya’s already swollen eyes. Then the doctor took her to the next room, where there was an empty hospital bed and after about ten minutes, the door opened it to allow bringing inside a body of a mother on a stretcher, who had just lost her life while giving birth to a still born baby boy. Her husband was inconsolable and did not know whether to mourn for the baby or for his better half. She had never seen a grown man cry like a child and she looked at him with absolute no expression ! She was more than sad. A feeling of despair, agony, anger , hopelessness all bundled up in one ! Her heart was experiencing a deep form of anguish that it was difficult to express herself. Suddenly , she could relate to all their pain and understand the message that her doctor wanted to pass on.

Sometimes in life , we don’t have answers to certain questions and sometimes our pain might seem unjust if we close our eyes to the suffering happening around us. She looked at Tarun who held her hand and their fingers intertwined tightly . She understood what Tarun wanted to convey. Her rock, her life was still with her and together they can always make the impossible possible , they can add a new dimension to their life. She took his hands and gave a kiss and wiped her own tears!

Love,

Chinmayee