To be honest, I was not aware of something called ‘The Eldest Daughter’s Day’ till recently. A few days back while browsing the internet, I discovered it and was a little surprised, to be honest. This is because I could relate to the similar attributes that the eldest daughter exhibits all around the world! It is celebrated on August 26th.

Being the eldest daughter is not easy. I think, that when you are the firstborn in the family, you tend to develop motherly instincts or rather embrace slow parentification. After reading about it, I could join the dots back in time. I am sure if you are a firstborn daughter, you will understand what I am trying to say here.

So when I was a child and came to know that my sibling was on her way, I did not know how to react. I had mixed feelings but then I realized that I would have a companion and hence being able to get a friend was my motivation to be happy. The moment, I saw my sister born, a different kind of emotion took over. Firstly it was a concern, maybe because she was an ICU baby, or may be I had never seen my parents so worried ever before! I felt very protective of her and the moment I held her in my arms, I had this feeling, that come what may, I would not let anyone harm this cute little bundle. We had a solid six-year gap and as we grew up together, I discovered that more than friendship, I felt responsible towards her. It was my responsibility to take care of her when Mom left the house for some urgent work. I had to take her for her evening strolls every day after school, on my bicycle. I had this deep urge that  my sister would also be a sports person like me only to realize that  she would keep  a safe distance from sports. This realization happened when I would cheer for her on top of my voice while  she was on the tracks only to be mocked by my Sports Sir later. I would see her facial expression while running. It made me feel that she is giving it all but her speed as compared to other athletes would not increase at all!  But my sister was an acclaimed dancer, something that I am not very great at. Whenever she donned her Odissi costume and danced on stage, I would clap so loudly and looked around with pride. She is even excellent with modern dance and has won many prizes and every time I have felt proud like a parent.

As years passed by I had thought this was our family. My parents , I and my younger sister completed the world! I was taken aback when I came to know that my youngest sibling was on her way. I will be honest here. I was upset for many days and I would ask God, why was this happening to me. I feared how was I going to accept this new member! What will happen to my sibling love when the third child comes into my picture? How will I equally share my love between the two of them and what will happen if they team up and leave me behind ? But trust me, when I saw my youngest sister wrapped in a soft baby gown , cozily sleeping in my Mom’s arms, I could not help but smile! I fell in love with her at that moment. She had curly hair and was a chubby, healthy baby. She is twelve years younger than me! Yes, twelve! I remember instructing my middle sister to be careful with her and our family never felt more complete ever before. The youngest one grew up to be the wisest one and her achievements feel so personal that I can not even put them  in words. She is mature beyond her age and many times I wonder, when did my child grow up ? Yes, similar to how a mother would feel.

However, as the eldest daughter, I was expected to be the model daughter to have the right kind of influence on my sisters, to study and get good grades so that my sisters could look up to me, to be an all-rounder achiever so that they would be known for being my sisters and be inspired to do well, to take care of them when parents were away and many such silent roles. I learned cooking very soon because my parents went out and I had to prepare meals and ensure that my sisters had food on their plate in the absence of my parents. Being the eldest, I loved it when I bought or gifted my sisters. When I started earning, I remember shopping in phases, collecting what each of them liked personally. And whenever I came home and opened my suitcase, I would feel this happiness from deep within when they received their presents with big smiles on their faces.

Like many Indian households, there is a lot of drama in my extended family as well. I can bet if a movie is made on the events, it will capture many eyeballs. So because of many twists & turns my parents had a tough life despite coming from well-to-do families and hence, we had very humble beginnings. Hence money was always a challenge. My biggest responsibility as an eldest daughter was helping my parents financially and it has always been a top priority for me. While my friends in college dated and had a very casual outlook towards life, I was always upright and focused on my goals. I would easily distance myself from them when they would sit after class and chat & talk about enjoying youth! They hated me for being different from all. I had this urge of being perfect and yes, I had no time to waste. I had so much to do in life. I would rather put my head in books be in my NCC classes or participate in debate, and painting competitions due to this fire that kept burning within. There was this constant pressure to prove myself and be of use to my family. With time, I turned into a giver and a massive one at that!

Only now when so much has happened in my personal life, I turn back and see my younger self struggling with so many expectations. I will say that it is an absolute blessing to be the eldest but somewhere I forgot to balance things in the journey. My relationships failed because I over-gave and expected nothing in return! I did not realise earlier that a giver needs a giver ! I believed in the goodness of people and made myself available for them without realizing that my effort of ignoring their shortcomings was in fact empowering them to take me for granted! I realize that in the journey of being the eldest, I had this notion of making everything work. That was the sign of success for me. I did not learn when to quit because sometimes letting go can be a blessing too. I forgot that family is different from the outside world. I became this same ‘giving’ person all along only to face many betrayals. I did not learn that in a relationship it is not always me who has to perform! I realize now that  somewhere I have developed this anxiety of being able to do it all and in the long run my mental health has been severely affected as well.

I would like to announce that I am the privileged one to be the firstborn daughter and my parents shower me with their love and my siblings have my back all while. I have had the courage to do so many tasks being the eldest . However, I would like to put out a few pointers to deal with ‘eldest daughter syndrome.’

So if you are the eldest daughter, you may want  to look into the following points:

1. Setting boundaries: It is important to set healthy boundaries around yourself. It can be challenging but with time, one can learn the importance of having healthy boundaries for better mental health.
2. Self Love: Having struggled with this myself, I can not stress the fact that you only become empty when you do not pour the love back into you, that you keep pouring out for others. Prioritizing self can be difficult but is very important. And while wanting to be in love, I think it is also about how you are being loved rather than just blindly loving your partner. Asking to be treated as a priority would be even less than a bare minimum and first daughters must realize this because they usually put others first!
3. Saying NO: It can be a daunting task but it is important to voice out in the negative when you really feel so. And people who can accept your NO are your people because they do not expect you to be a people pleaser. Choose them wisely.
4. It is okay to fail: I know how it feels when you fail as the world just comes crumbling down and you feel you are never going to be the same. Yes, it will not be the same but you have to learn to accept your faults as a human being and learn to forgive your own self for not knowing earlier. There is no point in self-harming or self-sabotaging especially when things are not under your control. It is okay to not be okay because life can be cruel.
5. Having a support system: I know this is the toughest in today’s greedy world. But having a support system helps immensely. Asking for help is what does not come easy to us because we think the onus is on us to find out the way. But that is not the way. Seeking out for help is crucial. I also feel a community of eldest daughters can make a lot of difference and act as a great support system because the issues would be similar.

What are your thoughts on this? Let me know.

This post is a part of Blogchatter Half Marathon 2024

Love,

Chinmayee

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