It was late in the night and I had fallen asleep on my part of the bed. A thud sound jolted me awake from my sleep. The smell and the very presence of him made my knees come closer to my bust and I held them tightly. I tried closing my eyes tighter as my chest pounded a little harder.

“I know you are awake. No need to do that natak.” He said and threw away the blanket that I tried holding on tightly.

The stench of the alcohol made my stomach churn. By the time I could say something, I felt his entire weight on me. The heaviness made me feel suffocated. With his left hand, he took my pallu off my blouse and then within a fraction of a second, tore apart my blouse. He rubbed his face on my bare bosom and then dug his teeth into my flesh as if a hungry dog would bite into a piece of meat. I screamed in pain but he did not hear any of it. He pushed himself into me and became a part of my body while my soul felt crushed. Despite his skin on mine, I felt far from him …too far! I tried pushing him away but my tiny hands could not resist the boulder-like body that was determined to squeeze every muscle of my body. I gave in and a tear dropped from the corner of my eye.

” You are one wild bitch, you know that. I can go to anyone but I come for you. Is it not love? Why can you never understand? “

I just smirked looking straight into his bloodthirsty eyes.

He then slapped me so hard on my face that I could not hear anything for a few minutes. To be honest, it did not hurt much. What hurt within, was beyond this pain.

He literally pushed me away and then he slept like a log… as if nothing had happened. As I sat there, naked beside him, I felt something flow between my thighs. My legs felt numb. I slowly pushed myself to get up from the bed and switch on the light. It was blood. A lot of it. I looked at the photo frame that hung on the wall. I and him … looking at each other with smiles on our faces …. garlands in our hands… our wedding picture …. that still hung on the bedroom wall! It had been three-odd years … three years of such turmoil!

I went into the bathroom and twisted the shower knob. As the water touched my body, my tears flew along with it. The blood between my legs slowly became dilute as it came in contact with the water. I saw it flow across the floor and into the drain … slowly …leaving no signs of its existence.

                     ***************

The next morning was like any other morning. As every bone in my body ached, I had to rush to the kitchen and start preparing meals for the day, pack lunch for my husband, clean the house, and iron his clothes before he finished his morning routine.

He came to the breakfast table dressed up in his formal wear that I had just neatly ironed, ate his sandwich without saying a word, and soon left for work. It was mostly silence that we shared. He was a man of few words and I had so much to say ….but …

I took my cup of tea and went out to my balcony. It was the only time in the day that gave me a lot of solace.

“Hey !! What happened to your face? It is all swollen and there are red marks !! Oh My God… Not again Anu!”, screamed Akash, my neighbor.

I had totally forgotten to have a look at myself in the mirror in the morning. I would have taken my pallu and covered my face but it was just too late now.

Akash had moved in about a year before to the adjacent apartment after getting posted here at my place. He seemed quite young but had a mature persona. He was a curious soul, with a lot of questions and I could never understand how did we always manage to strike up a conversation so easily. He somehow seemed to understand a lot of depth in what I used to convey and I had developed a soft corner in my heart for him. His consistent presence in my life, though for a short span had made me somehow feel secure. I felt as if Akash would be there for me whenever I needed him. 

I do not remember when I became so close with him that for every dish that I tried experimenting with, in the kitchen, I would make sure to pass it on to Akash and eagerly wait for his review. He was a foody, and he would give detailed descriptions of every dish which would eventually turn into laughter sessions. For those brief moments, I felt alive… alive with Akash. I felt as if I was a bird and he gave me the whole horizon painted in blue for me to fly high. And if I would ever fall, he would be there to hold me. Our eyes had met a few times, and I had felt a connection in my heart. I had never said anything to him. I just could not. I knew my boundaries. I knew them well.

But somehow he felt closer … a lot closer than my husband. Akash never tried to cross the line too. He was a gentleman and I felt respected every time I spoke with him. Is it not what is the basis of every relationship? To be dealt with respect, no matter what! Ironically, I did not feel that with my husband. Yes, our ‘kundlis‘ matched, parents agreed, and we took the seven ‘pheras‘, and followed all traditions… but I felt like an object whenever my husband touched me or even spoke to me.

I was lost in my thoughts and then suddenly heard someone knock on the front door. I opened it.

“Akash!! What happened? You never knock on my door. Why today? I think it is best when you are on your balcony and I, on mine and … ” I could not complete my sentence. Akash had barged into the room … had come very close to me. I could feel his breath on my skin.

” Leave that bastard. You do not deserve this, Anu. Let us run away to my place. I will handle everything at my home. I will make you mine… will you marry me, my princess?”

I was spellbound. ” My princess ….!!” Only my father used to say that!

“You bitch !!! So, this is what you do when I go and earn money for this house, for you to eat? You whore!! How many times have you slept with him? Had I not come back to get my files today, I would not have known about your rang-raliyan !” My husband had come back and seemed like a hurt tiger. I was in shock.

” Hey ! Behave yourself! ” I heard Akash say.

” Wait, Akash. Do not say a word. Please leave, now. ” I said this to him. 

He looked hurt. He turned his back and was about to leave when I suddenly saw my husband raise the vase that was there on the dining table and hit him hard on his head.

His body collapsed suddenly. I was awestruck and could barely say a word.

” Anu… why is he not moving? Did this dog die or what? ” My husband said as he tried to push Akash with his leg.

I slowly walked near Akash and put my hands near his nostrils. He wasn’t breathing. A stream of blood flew from his head as he lay motionless on the ground. The blood flow was similar to that of mine last night.

I slowly walked near my husband. He looked petrified. I enjoyed seeing him in this state. I loved the fear on his face… just like I used to have when he pounced on my body, night after night.

“Anu… save me. This can not happen. You know … when I am angry … I just can not control it. “

“Sure !” I said and then….

“Ahhhhhhhh….. Anu… You bitch !” My husband screamed in pain as I stabbed him tactfully with the knife that lay on the dining table.

I said nothing. I cut the veins of my own hands with the same knife. It hurt but when I saw my husband in pain, it did not hurt much. He was covered in blood.

“Meet me, Akash, wherever you are, meet me … and this time …make me your princess. I am not a SLUT … I am not a BITCH … I am not a WHORE !!”

I said and lay on the ground beside Akash and closed my eyes. My body felt lifeless.

” I love you, my little princess… You are my star. “I heard this faint voice near my ear. It was my father. He had become a star too…a few months after doing my Kanyadaan.

This post is a part of Remembering Love Blog Hop hosted by Manali Desai and Sukaina Majeed.

Love,

Chinmayee