Hello July,

It’s been a while since I wrote my heart out and when I do not journal my feelings, I do feel unsettled. After a few days of such anxiety attacks, I had a wake-up call to get back to things that I love. And that is when I realized why I began writing in the first place.

So, I recently faced an interview where I came close to some people from higher echelons. I had prepared for the written exam which went well but facing a board of members was a little overwhelming. After all, it has been a while. I had prepared certain questions that I had anticipated to be asked and yes, I did get those questions asked. But what made me perplexed is the reaction that followed. It was both bitter and sweet. Another herculean task that I faced was the number of ‘Whys’ I had to answer! I did not know where to start and where to end. I spoke it all and like a story, they heard it all, the only difference is that I have lived that story, every part of it and it is not something to get entertained. Nor is it an appeal for a sympathy vote! I just found out that the element of connection, respect, and empathy is missing because even though people reach a higher position, they seem to think of others as lesser mortals!

Anyway, it all went ok but did leave me a little anxious at the end of it. This had impacted me and I did turn bitter for a few days. By bitter I mean, I as a human being do have an ugly side. When triggered, my anger levels can shoot up like anything and I become highly sarcastic. During such phases, I have made it a point to refrain from interactions, withdraw myself from situations, and try my best to not get reactive to provocations. The below image can define well, what I go through at times.

And when I can’t get things out of my mind, I get a little lost … and this happened while driving! I did see the faulty things in the rearview mirror but ignored it because I was a little overwhelmed. And probably by God’s grace had a narrow escape. I refrained from telling anyone this but I took a moment to stand on the road today, under the scorching Sun to realize that miracles do happen in a very subtle way in our lives.

So, life can seem messy, can feel like an uphill task and not many will understand you or want to be with you when you hit that low phase. I have mostly taken the road less traveled in my life so far, not by choice but yes circumstances did pose a choice in front of me. So, twists and turns have become a part of my life and honestly, it is exhausting. And I do not have an answer to why I overthink, why I over-love, or why I become loyal to friends who sometimes do not understand what friendship is in the first place! So, today when I reached work, I was a little shaken to have had this narrow escape. I sat at my desk still and then a new -joinee came up to my desk. He is a young boy of just 21 years and the youngest of the lot that has joined and says ” Didi, why do you look upset ? “. I did not know what to answer suddenly, so I replied “Maybe because you haven’t given me sweets for so many days!” He just smiled and went back and I got lost in my work.

After the lunch break, he came to my desk and sweetly offered me a parcel. ” Didi for you. Please smile. And never give up”. I was so touched by this little kid’s affection, that I had to struggle to keep my tears from flowing down. ( Yes, I have a bad relationship with my tears, they do not obey my command.) .I just patted his shoulder and smiled at him in admiration of his innocence. He smiled and waved me bye before going towards his desk. I did smile afterward and my heart felt light for some reason! It was a wake-up call to see beauty in every moment that is usually hidden and be grateful to the Almighty. So my concluding thoughts can be summed up in the below image!

Love,

Chinmayee