Human beings transform through out their life as change is the only constant factor! Women change a little more, I guess. Biologically, a lot happens with a female and the same goes with emotions. Emotions are also majorly dependent on hormonal factors & women & the changes in their hormonal levels go hand in hand. Not denying that it happens with men too but I believe, women have to deal a little more given the fact that they are designed to carry a life within and whether they procreate or not, their body & the mental health does go through many phases of change.

Well, why am I writing all this ? Because , probably past few days have been a little tough mentally to accept a lot of changes happening around in my vicinity, though it does not include me personally. Nothing drastic of that sort, but man being a social animal , tends to get affected when your surrounding changes and you remain constant owing to many factors. You have to keep still, observe the process and though you understand everything, yet there is this tiny corner in the heart that says” Why me? / Why not me?” Sometimes , it denies to act according to your brain that is matured enough to see things clearly. It denies to be the one to behave well, it denies to accept destiny, it wants to throw tantrums and still be accepted, it wants to be rowdy & yet be loved, it wants to rebel & still be pampered. Many a times it asks a lot of questions to you like” Don’t you get tired taking in everything and putting that smile on your face?, Don’t you get tired acting like a clown and doing every bit to see others smile? Don’t you get tired fighting? Don’t you feel lonely in a crowd? Don’t you feel heavy to listen to every comment and behave as if you heard nothing?” And the series of questions is so long that the I can go on and on. But the purpose of today’s post is to talk to my little younger self who is a part of me and will always continue to be! So , I will probably write a brief letter to her & may be this dialogue will help us both in some way.

Dear little one,

Hope you are doing well. I am fine too. Well we can pretend that everything is normal but we both know that from time to time , we have to face each other and be each other’s shoulder to lean on ! Because, as the saying goes, at the end of the day , it is you who has to survive.

I know you have so many questions and on some days I do not have answers ! I just don’t know how to act all matured and take it all in. Some days I do surrender to you and yes , I yell within ” WHY IS LIFE IS UNFAIR?” . But the truth does not change.

On some days, when you have all the reason to be upset, I come to your rescue. But have you ever wondered, when I want the same, who do I go to? Sometimes, there is no space where you can show your ugly being, no corner where you can scream your lungs out. And sometimes you are fortunate enough to find it, but when it is gone, a lot crumbles within. So probably you have to own it up no matter what!

I know you have traversed a long journey and because of which I exist today! And yes, we both are not perfect. You had many flaws , many black spots yet you helped develop me all the while. You are like that black photo film that develops me in color when you absorb the light of life ! I know you made some grave mistakes, did not pay heed to many suggestions, kept your blind eye to many red flags and time did it’s trick. However there is no denying to the fact that you gave it all in every sphere of your life. You have taken all the risk and yes, they were calculated too but it is just that fate did the calculations in a way that was beyond your comprehension. I also accept the fact that on some days, it is really difficult to go with the flow. Your body might feel alright, but you have absolutely no energy left to do a simple task. I do not know if it is anxiety, depression or just a normal phase of life . Yes, it hurts, when you hear any peculiar comment, when you are silently left out in the discussions because you have no experience, when you are ignored, when you are slowly abandoned or replaced. You know it all, you sense it all because these might seem minor to many but you have fought bigger battles and you can see it coming, many times. An irony, with greater alertness, comes bigger misery , huh! And I have hated you many times, many many times for doing what you did.

Being the eldest in a South Asian , lower middle class family is no joke. Before you understand the meaning of responsibility, you have it on your shoulders. And yes, the first child like a lone child braves it all alone. But the difference is there is an added responsibility of being the guide to the younger siblings and even if they tend to have sympathy towards your faults, only you can see yourself fall a little in their eyes when you fail at some point in time. And that hurts like hell ! And I know , you can not explain it to me. But I understand it. In public spaces too , you hide behind my back and I put up my face and prune all unnecessary weeds that arise on the path. But on some days, I get tired too. I cry too, just like you do ! And that is okay , because hey who said you have to be happy all the time . Is it even feasible? No. It isn’t. Neither is it possible to remain always inspired or motivated! I too like you become vulnerable many a times, become clueless on some days when you wonder, how can life be so easy for some? You find a lot to understand what wrong did you commit! And on some occasions you too want what everyone else desires like being able to raise a family, being able to get acknowledged, being able to belong to someone in real sense, being able to have an offspring or have that dream house or a dream job , be able to take that vacation, be able to live life like a common man who aspires to be loved, expects to fulfill responsibilities and stop being a deviation! Yes, on those days it is tougher to handle emotions.

But I think, just when you feel completely low & dejected at many moments there is some force that gives out signs. A rushing ambulance on the way, a dead body being carried to the Samadhi Peeth, a call that tells you that one of your closed ones lost her everything in life ! These are nothing but signs to tell you on the face, “Be grateful for what you have !”

Happiness today, is synonymous with status , money & material possessions, it is difficult many times to live a hermit’s life! But someone who has gone through the most toughest phase of letting go , life changes its meaning altogether. And , my little one, you did what was required you to do at every step in life. Yes, some days are tough when you come running like a child to me & I have to hold you within my arms and whisper in your ears” Hold on, this too shall pass , hold on! “. A little tear escapes my eyes too . But the life goes on and every morning I accept you as you are. I am sorry for being harsh in the past with you. For cursing you and even punishing you. Today, I think I am at stage where I can say, I finally forgive you, my younger self because you did your best what life threw at you.

I , today opened some of the folders of memory and chose a few faces of my younger self and prepared a small slide show which is embedded below. There were certain folders that I could not click open because I just did not want to as simple as that. There is a phase in my life where I had stopped coming infront of the camera! But nonetheless, a lot has changed and some in a very positive manner.

I might be angry with you in future, because hey, I am elder to you and at least I have earned this liberty owing to my experience,I guess! However, I release you from all the guilt today. I forgive you. And I leave it up to HIM to do all the calculations, all judgements of my actions including my sins or good deeds and guide my existence as a human being.

Love,

Chinmayee