Hello my friends,

I had to write today. My mind has been filled with so many thoughts that I need to put it out!

Well, it’s about a question that I have been asked a lot many times in the past few years” What did you get?” in reference to some choices that I have made. In reply I prefer to keep quite ! There are so many things I want to say, to bring them so near that they can visualize life from my perspective but that never happens right? And I always believe in the mantra of Live and let live! So, to thrust my thoughts on someone would only seem unnecessary. Life is a mystery which has many shades and each of us experience it it our unique ways with experiences that may be contradictory in nature. Hence, the silence.

So like many of us I too have scars that I have earned over the years probably because I have lived my life on my own terms, been true to my feelings, given my best to each relationship that I ever held close to my heart. And in return have gained my lessons as well ; some bitter , some sweet , some memorable, some which I want to forget as quickly as possible. I have learnt that life changes as we grow and our thoughts and understanding of life takes shapes with the experiences we encounter. We all are born with a pure heart and good intentions. We want to be acknowledged, validated, achieve our dreams, live our aspirations, fulfil even our sinful desires, experience divinity, want security of the love that is loyal be it from our own family , friends or acquaintances . But the paths that we choose are different , the trajectories that we have to pass are varied and some life changing episodes occur in our lives that force us to view life in a different angle! It may be anything, from a small incident of being punished for a typical behavior in the childhood to any major loss in life, from witnessing parents fight over trivial issues, to the financial status that we grow up in … it can be many such instances that shape us as individuals. And yes, like our lines on our hands , we all are different and unique and make our own patterns. The conflict arises when we fail or suffer after making a choice! Because we expect to win every time forgetting that even handling our setback is a part of life ! I have seen people make similar choices and get celebrated because it gave them results, brought smiles! Sometimes things are beyond your control and how we take it forward from the mishap is what becomes our identity!

People question you easily : What did you get? I do not know what to answer then! Hence I keep quiet . However, cob web of thoughts do cloud my mind. Why do we not ask when someone wins the same question , then? Because the results , the achievements are in front of all of us to see . The celebrations, the popping of the champagne bottles, the loud noise of cheer announces the winner, the achiever!! Do we mean to say that we do not learn when we fail? Then I think most of the scientists would abandon their experiments when they fail the very first time!! The painters would stop painting because they were not able to paint the perfect picture in the first go!! The chefs would stop inventing new cuisines because the desired smell or texture or aroma of the food did not excite the connoisseurs !! The mathematicians would stop calculations when the desired number or value is not achieved ! So, we learn with every setback and though there is no tangible outcome of failure , we still evolve, reinvent and we put in effort. But with every single case, something changes just like we change over time!

Yes, very true I too have changed . I have killed my innocence to be able to survive! I have understood that no matter what, sometimes you will never be enough !! I have been trying to accept that you will be used even for your goodness ! But , the learning point is to minimize the expected damage that is about to happen. I have come to understand that you have to keep your fragile heart in a stone caged box and protect it from the daggers that your trusted ones, closed ones or loved ones will try to pierce in it. It will bleed , because some hearts are soft & tender since the beginning . It might be easier for people who believe they are strong . I just think they are good at pretending, good at hiding, good at putting up a mask! I do not despise them… No not at all… They are just different from the expressive ones like me, perhaps!! So, coming to the question “What did you get?” I can only say that my life is still not over and it is still too early to make the calculations !! I am still understanding life and the anomalies that it brings with it, the aberrations that teach you to that realty is not always perfect!

Yes, I uphold the value system that prescribes goodness, loyalty, trust, hope , faith , commitment and can never question the authenticity of these virtues. But , my journey has been a deviation like many of us, who can identify with me in one way or the other, whose life had been anything but normal. I can only say, because of this deviation or many such turning points that I may encounter in future , I might have to draw modifications to live, to breathe , to dream to make the years in my life full of life ! I will still wish my part which has died ( may be it’s spirits ) to always believe in purity of heart, in forever love, in the chemistry of enigmatic love , in the possibility of achieving dreams in the professional hemisphere, in the faith of living a balanced and happy life, in the beauty of having loyal bonds and many such tiny little million things!!

May be some day….

Love,

Chinmayee